Worst Date MASH UP STORIES
My worst date was Valentines Day two years ago.
So my old roommates little brother got back from his mission and he asked me out. I thought, sure, why not? Because who doesn't want a free dinner? He said that he wanted to take me to a Hale Center Theater show..okay!
I had been dating this guy for a few months at this point. So we had this big date planned, it was supposed to be a surprise, I didn’t know where we were going. And we ended up driving out to his family’s cabin at sundance, and he had brought Paranormal Activity 2 to watch. So, very romantic.
The drive was like and hour and a half, and we got there a little late, but it was good. The show was great, up until the second act where I started getting that "he's going to hold my hand" vibe,
Twenty minutes into the movie, he is dead asleep. He is actually snoring. I wake him up to tell him I have to go to the bathroom and he then tells me that I actually need have to go outside because his family shuts off the water to their pipes in the winter so they won’t freeze. Apparently that’s normal.
So I was gripping the program in my hands for dear life, and I'm like, "don't touch me! Don't touch me! Don't touch me!!" and he still reaches over, takes my hand away from the program, and holds it. First date. Blind date. Not okay.
I didn’t want to have to take my pants all the way off when I went outside to pee, so I brought a Styrofoam cup from the kitchen that I figured I could pee in (like at the doctors office)
It worked the first time, but it was a pretty small cup. I had to stop going mid-pee and dump it out.
Now, I'm thinking to myself, "We've still got the rest of the play, dinner, and the drive home. Uh-uh". So I leaned over and said to him, "thanks, but that's a little too fast for me" and he was like, "Oh! Sorry!" and he let go.
When I repositioned it and started going again, I MISSED COMPLETELY AND PEED ALL OVER MY LEGGINGS. So then I just took them off completely and finished peeing. And so when I was done I gathered up my leggings, and luckily I was wearing a really long shirt so I still looked semi decent, and I walked shamefully back into the house.
So then dinner. For some reason, seeing the show 9 to 5 makes me go back into my southern accent...so I had a southern accent during dinner which made me look like this dumb blond bimbo. So that was...cool.
And my boyfriend looked over at me and asked, where’s your pants? And i said, I peed on them.
To make matters worse, the waiter was flirting with me and this kid kept pointing at things with his lips
because on his mission, a social custom was to point at things with your lips, so during the whole dinner, he's pointing at things with his lips like...*demonstrates* and it was so...
Ew. That’s all he said. But luckily he had a pair of sweatpants he wasn’t using that he let me borrow and he said, you’re washing those before you give them back to me. And I said ok. So I put my leggings in a plastic bag and tied it up tight and he went back to sleep with paranormal activity still playing in the background, and I just cried.
So finally he drives me home, and he asked for a second date. We went to the freshman dance here on campus where I made a great effort at giving off bad vibes. It must have worked because that was the last date I ever went on with him.
We didn’t date for too long after that.
Moment 2 -
LAURA’S BROTHER’S STORY TOLD BY LAURA
My family got Rock Band for Christmas like five years ago. We would play as a family, my mom sucking at the drums and my sister playing guitar. We were good at taking turns, but my dad always wanted to sing, which is funny in itself. He is not the best singer.
Our favorite song to play was Creep by Radiohead. The lyrics are hilarious. “You’re so very special, I wish I was special. But I’m a creep – I’m a weirdo.”
Plus there is this really high part, notes that my dad can’t hit. We would laugh so hard. It kind of became a family inside joke. We would quote it all the time to one another.
One time we had FHE with another family in the ward and they brought this game where everyone looks at the same New Yorker cartoon and comes up with a caption for it (and the person who is it chooses the best one). I don’t remember what the picture looked like, but my ENTIRE FAMILY (literally all six of us) wrote down “Your skin makes me cry.” Their family was like what???
It became our song. My dad would post lyrics randomly on my facebook page. Randomly I would get a text message with a reference to that song.
I decided three years ago that I would dance with my dad to that song at my wedding. I had made up my mind, I would talk about it occasionally. I was dead serious about it.
So I asked Sariah's dad to lunch because I wanted to ask for his permission to marry her. So I called him and we were planning to go on Saturday. I was nervous, but ready. Then Saturday came and at 9 or 9:30 Sariah calls me and is like well my dad just called me and told me that he wants he and me to go to the temple so I don't know, I think lunch is going to be late. And I was like ok, that's great I actually have a huge assignment to work on.
So I go back to sleep. And then I get another phone call about five minutes later from her saying well, actually, my dad says he wants to go to the temple with all 3 of us, and he wants us to be there in 30 minutes. Soooo I say ok. What else could I say?
So we all drive to the temple, and on the way there he's playing this conference talk and it's a really great talk, and super spiritual, but it was called "What to look for in your future spouse," And it's so awkward!
And I don't know what to say and I'm guessing that maybe he wants to talk about it when it's over but nope! He just gets out of the car and heads into the temple. And so Sariah goes to do baptisms, and I assume that he wants to talk in the temple once we're in the celestial room.
Because we all know why I was there, and what I wanted to talk about, and why I had asked him to lunch so I figured he just wanted it to be a spiritual experience, which is great! That's fine. So I walk into the Celestial room and he's praying so I sit down next to him and wait for him to finish and as soon as he's finished I'm about to open my mouth and say, "So Greg," right when he says, "Alright! Let's get going Sariah is probably waiting." And I'm like what??? Are you kidding me? What's going on?
I got married a little over a year ago, and my dad and I were supposed to dance to that song. The DJ called me the day before and asked me what my songs were. I told him I didn’t really care what me and my husband danced to, but me and my dad WERE GOING TO dance to Creep by Radiohead. He laughed and told me that was awesome, that everyone else usually dances to “Butterfly Kisses” or something.
I thought we came here to talk about me and Sariah! So I have no idea what to do or what's going on. So we get in the car and Sariah mentions that she's really hungry and Greg says, "Well Alex is still taking me to lunch!" You know he's kind of a jokester.
At my reception, the DJ introduced me and my dad and we went out onto the dance floor, and what starts playing??? FREAKING BUTTERFLY KISSES. I think everyone could tell I was annoyed, but my dad told me to stop. That I looked like a brat. He said that he decided to change it to this song. I was like… WHAT? WHY???
And so the car is silent and I'm in the back seat and Sariah is in the front and then her dad says, "So what did you guys think about the conference talk." And I'm like, well! Now's as good a time as any, I guess. So from the back seat I was just like Greg, you know, I love Sariah, I love your daughter and I want to marry her. And I wanted to get your blessing first and hear any advice you have for us.
He told me that this song was special to him, that we had danced to it at all the Daddy/Daughter dances when I was growing up. I made such a big deal about it that I actually hurt my dad’s feelings. I hate that I fought with him for most our dance, but I’m still crazy annoyed that he changed it and we didn’t get to dance to our song.
And he was really nice about it. And so the three of us ended up going to the Olive Garden where he proceeded to ask me lots of questions, and gave the both of us plenty of advice about being married. So, yeah, not what you would expect but, I guess I got the blessing.
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